HIDING IS FOR WEENIES

Tampa, Florida 9/28/2011


3:15 p.m. I’m on standby.

My family flew earlier on the flight I was scheduled to be on. I grabbed my aunt’s purse on accident when leaving—believing it to be my mother’s purse. I don’t know why. Sometimes we just do things…but for what reason?

Is it chance or choice?

Now I’m in an airport—waiting on standby to go back to a life that’s not terrible, awful or even mundane. It’s a pretty decent life.

Yet I still sit here thinking…”I can catch a plane anywhere. Here is the chance Nerissa!“

Catch a plane to Prague. Find Paul! Say hi and sing “Islands in the Stream” again in a Czech restaurant, drunk off beer and wine.

I have my passport. I brought 2 of my credit cards which are clear of all debt.

Go! Go! Why not?

Why not disappear into the world like you’ve always longed to? It’s not like you have anyone waiting for you to come home.

That’s a lie. I have two roommates who are desperate to get me back to them, Squirrel who probably can’t wait to ignore me for a week for my absence, a party in 3 days to celebrate life with friends and family, YET, I’m torn.

I’M FREAKING TORN!

One neck with a pitchfork and halo whispers, "Just leave Nerissa. So easy.”

There will be no goodbye parties that always get me in the end. No Tommy’s to say “You will shine.” No Mum’s to hug me tightly or explanations to the world as to why I bolted—why I said, “Screw it! Let’s do this.”

With no planning, no thought except a need to see the world and no more SCHEDULING!

And let me tell you, Tao says, stop forcing it, just go with it and within that you’ll find your way/path. I read that in the airport gift shop about an hour ago.

Is ditching it all right now—this very moment, going with the Tao?!

Adventure, leaps of faith, trust in the idea of living but most of all, I want to touch the earth and I want it to touch me back. I want to feel. And when I’m home I do feel but mostly jammed, confused, tired, and well, alone.

I know it’s me that creates this lonely barrier to the world. I know it’s me afraid of the judgment.

So many were angry at me, with me, for moving to Chile. They couldn’t understand why I would I just check out. And I gave them no other answer then, “Because I can.”

“What are you going to do down there? Don’t you want to get married? Is there a guy? There must be a guy? A job? A church? Volunteering? You don’t?! Then what are doing? Why are you doing this? It’s crazy! You are crazy. And selfish. Won’t your family miss you? Your friends? What’s the point? It just sounds dumb. When are you going to settle down, Nerissa?”

It took me little time to realize that all the questions and fears that were being hurtled at me had nothing to do with me—it was a reflection of them.

It was still a beat down.

But because of that ditch to Chile, I’ve finally gotten over feeling like a failure because I refused to settle down to the white picket fence life, with supper at 6 pm, and television for the night.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s just not right for me.

I can still have children and get married even if I don’t fit within the constraints of normalcy…right?

I guess asking that question is moot because I can’t be anything more then what I am and what I am is outside normalcy and probably consistency. And if I want to have children or get married that perspective needs to be shared…well the damn kids don’t get a choice. But the husband does.

Heed my warning of be aware of who you are marrying. And please choose not too, if change in me is what you hope will occur.

Ah! Back to the conundrum.

DO I PICK A DIFFERENT PLANE—CHANGE MY COURSE? If chance (fate) got me here to this point, is it choice that redirects the path? Does my path need to be changed? And is this the time to change it?

I have an answer for one of the questions.

Yes, my path needs to be redirected. In fact, I’ve been in that process for the last 2 years. Fixing, changing, moving on, opening doors, smacking shut those worth none, and facing for the first time who I am.

I don’t know why I’ve been hiding from me so long but it’s about time I peeked out and said, “HELLO!”

It’s 4:30. I’ve got less than an hour to figure out if I should hop a plane to Europe. So, I’m going to lie on the floor of the airport.

4:45 p.m. Okay, I laid on the floor. I just love the floor. When you look up, it’s different perspective.

Anyway, I still don’t have the answer.

But I did think about what my last ex-boyfriend said when we broke up.

“You are afraid to be loved.”

He also called me selfish. There were some other things jumbled in there that were completely reflective but maybe he’s right about some things. And maybe catching a plane to Prague RIGHT NOW and wandering the world alone, is just running away.

And running away is selfish as stated by my last therapist.

I don’t want to run away. I want to embrace not hide.

Hiding is for weenies.

Okay, so I’m not saying that I won’t wander the world, but now, RIGHT NOW, is not the right time. There are things, events, situations, even people that need to be reckoned with at home.

There is a party. A life party that needs to be thrown and no, there is no person waiting for me to come home, but there is a cat named Samoa aka Squirrel who would probably like to suffocate me with love and then lick her butt on my bed just to piss me off—CAUSE SHE KNOWS I HATE IT!

Life isn’t bad. Life is good.

But to keep it good, I have to keep wondering, wandering, questioning, dreaming, doing, facing but most of all believing that what I choose to do is what is right for me and my life, cause it’s mine to live.

So, no Prague. Not today.

But maybe tomorrow.

5:00 p.m.

PS--If I don't get my buttocks to that ticket agent I may not make it on this darn-tooting flight and this whole conundrum takes on a whole new perspective as in, "Who is going to drive to Tampa to pick up Nerissa?"

Anyone?

JUST JUMP IN

The Gulf of Mexico is warm and salty.

I know because we jumped in it at 8 pm with all our clothes on.

Why? Because we can, we could, and you know what, WE SHOULD!

It felt right.

The sun was setting, the sky red, and the stars peeking.

My body bounced between waves in a salty gulf, melting into a setting day of life.

It's how every day should end.

Living.

"GERMANTOWN, SNOW? and 3 AMIGOS" Chile Journals Christmas!

DECEMBER 25TH LAGO RANCO

I have the flu. F---!. Alka-Seltzer. My mum used to pack me full of it whenever I had the flu and luckily I brought down 2 boxes—just for moments like this… and moments of hangover, indigestion and other various elements. It gets this old girl moving.


And now we are moving on a bus to VALDIVIA! I think it’s about 2 hours away.


Today, before we left LAGO RANCO, we caught a local bus to some waterfalls. It was on an older gentleman’s land—his own personal scenery. He charged “Un Mill” or two dollars to see the waterfalls.

The railings and steps down were totally steep and you just kinda slid your feet down it.


The waterfalls themselves were a sight—not specifically to fly to Chile’ to see, but they were pretty.


There was a picnic area at the waterfalls where the gentleman served food. The food he offered I’m pretty sure was whatever he had in his own fridge. Worked for us. I mean hell, it was Christmas.


I had instant coffee. Whenever I find out it’s Nescafe I say, “Quiero café fuerte por favor.” I want strong coffee please and then flex my arm.


He brought the whole container where I proceeded to fill 1/3 of my cup full of flaky instant café.


He had chickens, dogs and KITTENS! I almost stole this orange kitty but he ran fast and hard from me.


On Christmas Eve K and I made a huge pasta meal with marinara to symbolize Christmas because well, it's red?


We also picked up some Christmas KUCHEN as I call it!

It wasn’t different than any other Kuchen except that we were eating it on Christmas and I think it should be a new, freaking tradition—A TRADITION OF LOVE AND PEACE and Kuchen.


It’s going to make me fat. I don’t care.


After we ate my roommate and K said what they were thankful for—us being together in this cabana.

I’ll be honest, I felt so sick—my head was jumbled and foggy that I just second and thirded what they said but… I was very glad to be with good friends, to be in a town unknown to me before…


BUT there was no snow!

I’m from Wisconsin… I’m used to snow. AND CHRISTMAS TREES!

Don’t get me wrong, I missed my family but I was prepared for that the moment I moved to Chile but I wasn’t prepared to miss snow or certain traditions.


It didn’t quite feel like Christmas.

DECEMBER 26TH VALDIVIA
Germantown!

We walked around early on and then caught a bus to the Kunstman Beer Factory and restaurant. Inspired more German Whoop-Whoop Pride inside me! Would really like to visit Germany.


I have been thinking mucho that I will leave at the end of February. I had a chat with my roommate about this—he was surprised.


Otherwise, I am f------ loving travel!


LAGO RANCO wasn’t my favorite but on Christmas Eve we did take a fantastic horseback ride through the mountains with HUGO! My new poppy!


He gave us beer but neither K nor my roommate could drink theirs...so I did.

We rode through the mountains for like 5 or 6 hours for diez mill or 24 dollars! Serio!


Hugo gave us the greatest hats to wear. We totally looked like the 3 Amigos.

I call Chevy Chase!

Leaving on a Jet Plane RIGHT NOW!

I know I should be packing considering I'm leaving for Tampa, Florida in just 3 hours and my ride to the airport leaves in an hour AND I haven't even showered.

But! I've never written a post just before I've left for a trip.

So here I am partially packed, drinking coffee on the floor watching the Today show in my pjs...I hope my family doesn't read this until I've already made it on the plane.

I'm not nervous. I'm excited. I'm excited because I need a break! It seems I only let myself relax when I go somewhere and even then it's subjective.

Books and swimsuit are packed. Need socks, undergaaaaaaarments and 3 cardigans and I should be good!

Mom wants to "borrow" a sailboat and some sailors and I'm going to surf and eat raw oysters.

That's 2 things on my list! Wow, I'm on a roll. If only the Great Wall of China was near Tampa I could scribble that off too.

Well I've gotta bust because now I have 43 minutes to gather the world into my suitcase and shower away the last 3 days of dance and choreography.

BTW, I can't feel my legs or neck. Oh well!

I'll be in touch.

Dead Dogs, Hitchhiking and KUCHEN! Chile Journals Dec. 23rd

DECEMBER 23RD LAGO RANCO

OMG! We went to the greatest town called COCHAMO! It is a Mecca. Believe me.


I meditated for a solid hour in front of this giant volcan. I drew a picture with stick figures but it gives a pretty solid idea.


We left COCHAMO—grudgingly, after a day and night stay. We would’ve stayed longer but we didn’t have any of our things—COCHAME was supposed to be a day visit—so we hopped a bus to RIO SUR at 6:40 a.m. GROSS!


The bus took us back to RIO SUR, to the cabin—rustic cabin. I wonder if he has running water yet? Or heat?


Anyway we hitchhiked—yep hitchhiked back to the cabin.

We actually hitchhiked part of the way to COCHAMO in the first place. We caught a ride with a semi flat bed—hopped on board and it took us to ENSENADA where we hopped a bus to COCHAMO.


You can just hop a bus to anywhere and pretty much at any time—if they are going your way or you are going there’s, they just pick you up and you pay on the bus. Everybody does it!


Anyway it was a first for me. I have never hitchhiked before and I probably would never do it in the states but here, well, sometimes you just have to go with it.


We went back to the rustic cabin and packed up. K’s friend took us back to PUERTA MONTE where we caught a bus that took us to PUERTO VARES where I had more KUCHEN!


I love KUCHEN!


Oh, in COCHAMO we found this lady, Kuchen Lady I call her. She had none made because her hands were dirty (fixing her toaster) but she said “Manana Manana!” Tomorrow morning! But we had to leave, poop.


I did not want to go; such beauty—an awe-inspiring feeling.


From PUERTO VARES we caught a bus to RIO BUENO (Good River)—wait OSORNO first—blah town and glad to leave.


Saw my first dead dog there at the bus stop in OSORNO.


On to RIO BUENO then to LAGO RANCO; a small town—bigger then COCHAMO but COCHAMO had only 70 people and for one day 3 gringos…us.


LAGO RANCO is pretty tiny though. It has two decent restaurants that served more than Completos or Churriscos or Churrianos. There are a couple of small Supermercados where we can buy some groceries.


At this moment we are planted at one of the two decent restaurants next to our CABANA(hostel)! 10 dollars a night or 5 mill—private trailer—WTF! Never find that in Valparaiso or the states.


LAGO RANCO misses the quaintness of FRUTTIOR or the remote, small town beauty and charm of COCHAMO but it’s good for what it is—which is our Christmas town.


Man if I love COCHAMO so much why the hell don’t I marry it?! Maybe I will.


FRUTTIOR was cool but we were so tired. K just laid her head on the table at the restaurant while I ate Kuchen. Of course. It was a very German town. The houses looked like Hansel and Gretel.


IN FACT, most of the South of Chile looks German including the people. Many Germans fled here before, during and after WWII.

I totally fit in cause I'm like half German! Everyone thinks I’m Chilean until of course I speak and I sound…not Chilean.


It makes me want to go to Germany though.


OH Oh! I twisted my knee jungle climbing a volcan in RIO SUR next to the rustic cabin. We also trekked to a waterfall which was more like a rapid stream with crazy exoticness—jungly fa-sure yo!


I'm thinking of Graduate schools. Still thinking of New York City, of the East Coast—of writing—of musicals. I’m so torn now.

Part—big part of me—wants to choreograph for the Spotlighters in Wisconsin, travel the East Coast, travel the Upper West and Canada, ski, write and then go to Graduate school.


On the other side of it—my roommate and I go back to Valparaiso after travel and we work on the new business. I haven’t told you about the new business. It’s confusing or at least the kinks still need to get straightened out.


Anyway I create a “homeish” situation—keep writing—get out of Valparaiso to Vina del Mar where it’s safer for me.


What do I need? What do I want? What’s important? Kuchen. Travel.


I will not leave Chile’ until the end of January, at the earliest!


What kind of job would I want if I came back? What would give me flexibility? Serving of course you dumbie.


Maybe I’ll start my intercambios and decide to stay in Chile.

LATER
I do love theater—performance—a sense of fulfillment has always come from creation of play—choreographing a play or even acting in it. It is me—why fight it? What do I run from it?


We are sitting by a wood fire in a restaurant in LAGO RANCO—I just want to take a minute to pause on that. K’s reading Poisonwood Bible, my roommate’s impatiently writing and I’m scribbling fiercely about, well, this.


1980’s Hair Band music, en ingles, blares in the background. I almost don’t notice the language barrier anymore. Almost.


If I move back it’s possible to live with various friends around the United States… Rent a room or crash on their couch and pick up a job serving somewhere.


Never stop moving.

CATS WEARING SAILOR HATS WHILE DEEP SEA FISHING?

An old adventure once poo-poo'ed is now woo-woo'ed! WOO!

Yes You Can. That's right. Yes You Can!

DO WHAT you ask?

Circumnavigate the Globe of course.

SAIL AROUND THE WORLD!

If adventure on the high seas is what you please (yes please) then join the ranks of ROUND-THE-WORLD SAILORS (RTW)!

To do it technically you must:

• pass every meridian (line of longitude)
• cover a distance of at least the Earth's circumference
• pass a pair of antipodal point

11 years ago I made a grand decision that I wanted to buy a sail boat. I even put it on my life list.

Why?

Because I can. Because I could. Because I had failed out of college. Because I gave up dance and theater.

I had nothing going for me, nothing to save for and was spending all my money on booze, delivery pizza and soda. (and bad clothes)

And, I really like water. Boats. Big boats. Small boats. The open seas. An endless blue. Freedom.

I told everyone!

Most thought it lofty, crazy or worthless. To them, sailing on a boat wasn't practical nor grownup.

I silently thought it outrageous too. But I'm a dreamer. Most of all, I'm a believer.

Others challenged that it couldn't be done; not without a team of sailors. That might've been true then but times have changed!

Recently 16-year old Australian Jessica Watson broke the record for the youngest solo and unassisted person to complete the feat of circumnavigating the world.

That means I can do it alone now if I so desire.

I don't desire though. It's always good to have a partner. I even think my roommate’s cat, Samoa, might be interested. She likes fish and she'd look good in a sailor’s hat. Just saying.

Anyway I saved all my change from every serving shift, rolled them into EE Savings Bonds and patiently waited for my future on the high seas. Of course 7 years later I cashed them in to produce my first play--a different dream realized.

But! I never forgot the sail boat. And now, TODAY, I see it as a viable adventure in my not so near but not so distant future.

It takes roughly a year to sail the world at a pleasurable, world viewing/interacting pace. Oh yes, I will interact. Oh yes, I will laugh...!

Wait, what are the laws for guns and weapons of sorts on international waters? Can I have a cannon? Plank? Dingy? I'll need a mechanic! Salt pork? Who speaks Arabic? Mandarin? Will I have cell phone service? How do you do laundry? I can deep sea fish!

There are so many questions and plans to be made.

Step One:

LEARN TO SAIL!

"NOW I STINK...I THINK" Chile Journals Dec 17th-19th

DECEMBER 17TH

K’s friend picked us up in a truck. The cab could only hold 3 people so my roommate rode in the back with the cold open wind in his face.


We would look back through the window to see his hair flapping around in the wind—he had his shades on and a huge smile. He looked awesome.


K’s friend speaks some English so I can communicate a little better with him.

LATER

RIO SUR, CHILE
K’s friend warned us that his cabin was rustic but I didn’t realize how rustic.


It’s our first day and there is no water—no running water for a shower, for the sink or toilet! No heat and contrary to belief, summer in the South of Chile’ can be a tad freaking cold.

And it was raining.


There was only one full sized bed which was fine—all 3 of us were totally in agreement to share because hell, we needed the body heat. It was freezing and there was only one blanket on the bed for all three of us.

The temperature was below 30 degrees which is fine for a Midwest girl if she is dressed appropriately. I, thinking South meant heat, was packed for the damn beach. Layering shorts upon shorts doesn’t help the rest of the leg.

DECEMBER 18TH
I have a cold.

I am taking AIRBORNE to fight it back. I blame the rain, change of temperature and lack of sleep on the bus. I'm sure the stress of our apartment didn't help.


The Landlord called us today and apologized for what happened. He said he would put extra security in our apartment. THANK GOD!


I’m not nervous. I’m fine.

But I’m glad to be here. At a rustic cabin in the South of Chile.

DECEMBER 19TH
Yesterday we walked down the dirt roads by RIO SUR (South River). It’s absolutely amazing. There are two beautiful volcans shrouded in clouds.

I saw sheep! And goats! I love goats.

My ex never wanted me to have a goat. I would tease him about getting a goat to irk him but honestly I really want one! I had them when I was a kid—ha ha—kid like baby goat “kid!” I am soooo funny.


Today we are on our way to PUERTO MONTE and then to CHILOE whatever that is. We had to get up at 630 am to catch a bus outside of the cabin.


So weird—you stand outside by these bus stops in the middle of absolute nowhere—we wondered if a bus actually came but there was an old lady waiting there too. And sure enough, at 730 that bus lumbered up full of people!


The bus ride took like 40 minutes and dropped us off right at this large bus station in Puerto Monte.


I need coffee. Does this country serve anything besides espresso and Nescafe?! Huh?! Coffee. Café. Not Americano. Not Macchiato.

Coffee.

I’m getting a little hostile.


I didn’t brush my teeth today. I always brush my teeth.

There was no safe water left and no time to make any. We can't drink the water at the cabin unless we boil it in the tea kettle because the minerals are so harsh.


I haven’t showered in a couple of days either.

It’s kind of weird. I used to shower every day. Now I stink…I think. I can’t tell anymore.


Como sea! (Whatever!)