Tampa, Florida 9/28/2011
3:15 p.m. I’m on standby.
My family flew earlier on the flight I was scheduled to be on. I grabbed my aunt’s purse on accident when leaving—believing it to be my mother’s purse. I don’t know why. Sometimes we just do things…but for what reason?
Is it chance or choice?
Now I’m in an airport—waiting on standby to go back to a life that’s not terrible, awful or even mundane. It’s a pretty decent life.
Yet I still sit here thinking…”I can catch a plane anywhere. Here is the chance Nerissa!“
Catch a plane to Prague. Find Paul! Say hi and sing “Islands in the Stream” again in a Czech restaurant, drunk off beer and wine.
I have my passport. I brought 2 of my credit cards which are clear of all debt.
Go! Go! Why not?
Why not disappear into the world like you’ve always longed to? It’s not like you have anyone waiting for you to come home.
That’s a lie. I have two roommates who are desperate to get me back to them, Squirrel who probably can’t wait to ignore me for a week for my absence, a party in 3 days to celebrate life with friends and family, YET, I’m torn.
I’M FREAKING TORN!
One neck with a pitchfork and halo whispers, "Just leave Nerissa. So easy.”
There will be no goodbye parties that always get me in the end. No Tommy’s to say “You will shine.” No Mum’s to hug me tightly or explanations to the world as to why I bolted—why I said, “Screw it! Let’s do this.”
With no planning, no thought except a need to see the world and no more SCHEDULING!
And let me tell you, Tao says, stop forcing it, just go with it and within that you’ll find your way/path. I read that in the airport gift shop about an hour ago.
Is ditching it all right now—this very moment, going with the Tao?!
Adventure, leaps of faith, trust in the idea of living but most of all, I want to touch the earth and I want it to touch me back. I want to feel. And when I’m home I do feel but mostly jammed, confused, tired, and well, alone.
I know it’s me that creates this lonely barrier to the world. I know it’s me afraid of the judgment.
So many were angry at me, with me, for moving to Chile. They couldn’t understand why I would I just check out. And I gave them no other answer then, “Because I can.”
“What are you going to do down there? Don’t you want to get married? Is there a guy? There must be a guy? A job? A church? Volunteering? You don’t?! Then what are doing? Why are you doing this? It’s crazy! You are crazy. And selfish. Won’t your family miss you? Your friends? What’s the point? It just sounds dumb. When are you going to settle down, Nerissa?”
It took me little time to realize that all the questions and fears that were being hurtled at me had nothing to do with me—it was a reflection of them.
It was still a beat down.
But because of that ditch to Chile, I’ve finally gotten over feeling like a failure because I refused to settle down to the white picket fence life, with supper at 6 pm, and television for the night.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s just not right for me.
I can still have children and get married even if I don’t fit within the constraints of normalcy…right?
I guess asking that question is moot because I can’t be anything more then what I am and what I am is outside normalcy and probably consistency. And if I want to have children or get married that perspective needs to be shared…well the damn kids don’t get a choice. But the husband does.
Heed my warning of be aware of who you are marrying. And please choose not too, if change in me is what you hope will occur.
Ah! Back to the conundrum.
DO I PICK A DIFFERENT PLANE—CHANGE MY COURSE? If chance (fate) got me here to this point, is it choice that redirects the path? Does my path need to be changed? And is this the time to change it?
I have an answer for one of the questions.
Yes, my path needs to be redirected. In fact, I’ve been in that process for the last 2 years. Fixing, changing, moving on, opening doors, smacking shut those worth none, and facing for the first time who I am.
I don’t know why I’ve been hiding from me so long but it’s about time I peeked out and said, “HELLO!”
It’s 4:30. I’ve got less than an hour to figure out if I should hop a plane to Europe. So, I’m going to lie on the floor of the airport.
4:45 p.m. Okay, I laid on the floor. I just love the floor. When you look up, it’s different perspective.
Anyway, I still don’t have the answer.
But I did think about what my last ex-boyfriend said when we broke up.
“You are afraid to be loved.”
He also called me selfish. There were some other things jumbled in there that were completely reflective but maybe he’s right about some things. And maybe catching a plane to Prague RIGHT NOW and wandering the world alone, is just running away.
And running away is selfish as stated by my last therapist.
I don’t want to run away. I want to embrace not hide.
Hiding is for weenies.
Okay, so I’m not saying that I won’t wander the world, but now, RIGHT NOW, is not the right time. There are things, events, situations, even people that need to be reckoned with at home.
There is a party. A life party that needs to be thrown and no, there is no person waiting for me to come home, but there is a cat named Samoa aka Squirrel who would probably like to suffocate me with love and then lick her butt on my bed just to piss me off—CAUSE SHE KNOWS I HATE IT!
Life isn’t bad. Life is good.
But to keep it good, I have to keep wondering, wandering, questioning, dreaming, doing, facing but most of all believing that what I choose to do is what is right for me and my life, cause it’s mine to live.
So, no Prague. Not today.
But maybe tomorrow.
5:00 p.m.
PS--If I don't get my buttocks to that ticket agent I may not make it on this darn-tooting flight and this whole conundrum takes on a whole new perspective as in, "Who is going to drive to Tampa to pick up Nerissa?"
Anyone?
