Jeerers, Meet Me in the Parking Lot

I have a list—A life list—Not a BUCKET LIST—Just a list.

And today it’s a list with a new black line on it BECAUSE I learned to SNOWBOARD!

And being one who loves to share—I’m taking my readers on a quick and painful tutorial!

Time to learn the basics!

1. How to fall—Tuck chin in neck, pull arms close, turn head sideways
2. Always look out for riders, skiers or random people walking
3. No flailing arms; you look stupid and it ruins your balance
4. Knees bent
5. Back straight
6. Don’t stick your butt out

Are you with me?! Good.

So let’s strap that board on to your shaky legs and glide your way to the chair lift with one foot unstrapped acting as your guide—use your heel or use your toe—NOT AT THE SAME TIME!

Now we are safely on the lift—facing front, board over unstrapped foot, gazing at the piercing blue sky—it’ s an amazing high but don’t get too comfy there my friend—don’t forget you have a snowboard strapped to your foot—this ain’t ski country!

Because when the time comes to scoot off that lift and your overworked brain forgets what equipment is attached to your body—

“Ah! NO!” The leg flails, your face screams desperation and THUD goes your body—my body--underneath the chair lift and it’s 1991 ALL OVER AGAIN!

My poor instructor was either shocked or befuddled as I laid there curled up fearing decapitation. I would be embarrassed but I passed that in 2nd grade when I accidentally peed my pants at Skate City.

And I have never claimed to be graceful!

Whew. Okay we have crawled away from the chair lift and now officially face our first hill. At this moment the instructor mentions, in passing, the phrase “sprained wrists.” IT’S OKAY! We are okay. Because that will not be us. YOU HEAR ME?!

Strap in the other boot and let’s ride down this death defying Bunny Hill! No Fear! Okay, a little fear.

Now, do not be afraid to hang on to your instructor or hell, fall on him. He’s durable.

And that’s what I did.

“I can do this!” I would yell and then fall; on butt, on face, on side, on instructor and repeat.

I learned toe. Then I learned heel. Then I forgot how to do both and just squealed! And my board went left when I wanted right and I leaned front –FACE PLANT! Arm hurting, chest smacking (ribs A-Okay!), knee slamming, pride—hmm no prides fine, CRASH-SMASH into slushy, soft snow.

Breathe. All together—Breathe.

Let’s get up. Shake it off.

Resituate GOOD FORM—point one arm the direction you want the board to go. Put the other arm in front of your mouth like a microphone.

DO NOT, I reiterate, DO NOT get so involved with the “microphone” aspect that you pretend you are Whitney Houston singing I WANT TO DANCE WITH SOMEBODY until a tree just pops out of nowhere and you tumble down again.

Little kids will pass you. People will gawk. And jeerers can meet me in the parking lot.

By now it’s been 2 hours and your focus is shot—did someone say shots? And that’s exactly where I headed too.

And that is the end of our SNOWBOARD TUTORIAL.

*Snowboard photographs have been restricted by me.