Oh Mary Jane! You Dirty, Dirty Girl! (PG-13)

My legs hurt. One hour into downhill skiing in Colorado they hurt. After doing 4 runs they burned—and now three hours later I am facing a conundrum.

See, it floated away about 10 minutes ago. It being my coffee buzz that keeps me running like the Energizer Bunny.

My coffee that I am imagining with bright eyes is down a very, very steep mountain--apparently infamous mountain called MARY JANE (named after the local whore from the 1930's.)

As I stand at the precipice of this rocky mountain, my face drains in sudden fear. "Why don't I have medical insurance? Or even life insurance? My leg--my poor leg is going to snap in two--my brain splattered red on the pure white snow."

I ask myself, "Now Nerissa, do you want coffee? How bad do you want coffee? HOW BAD?!"

I reply, “I WANT IT! I said I WANT IT! Grrr!”

Then shake a leg Lady!

I slowly inch forward as little kids zip past me laughing. My pride puffs my chest to a solid B cup, my gaze steels as I quickly launch forward ready to beat those twerps with my pointy, pointy poles--wait--DOWN THE MOUNTAIN!

Noooooooo MARY JANE!!!

"What now? What now?! Focus. Glide right. Left. Right. Left. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Don't snow plow you nerd!”

What is this? Moguls? I CAN'T DO MOGULS!

I hit a mogul and think "Death." I hit the next mogul and think "Coffee." And repeat with voice influx between high and low--"Death. Coffee. Death. Coffee."

And stop. Breathe. I look down. I unclench my hands from the poles and lift my goggles to survey my options.

Can I walk down? Slide down on my butt? Roll down? Be carried? Oh look, there's an emergency phone. Would they come and get me?

I am pathetic at this moment. A quiet, pathetic, sweaty girl--without her liquid courage...

I can do this without coffee. I have balls without the caffeine. I don't need to butt slide down this mountain.

I. am. gonna. ski. down. like. a. normal. person.

And all I can say to those burning legs of mine is STOP YOUR WHINING!

I swoosh my way down—performing a strategic dance combination of flow and thought.

Oh, sweet, sweet MARY JANE and her smooth mountain soul.

I made it. Drenched in sweat and slightly tweaking out but in one piece nonetheless AND slightly craving a cigarette.

I sipped my coffee and water...letting my shaky legs and mind unwind.

Then I hopped back on the chair lift and DID IT ALL OVER AGAIN!

Of course 2 hours later I couldn't walk.

But 2 hours after that I could feel my butt again.

SO--they might've been right when they invented the catch phrase, NO PAIN-NO GAIN. (No Pain—No Jane as they say in Winter Park.)

Because it was totally worth it.